Leadership and Marriage: Who's in Charge?

In regard to the question in the title of this article, many men might be inclined to answer “she is,” and some women might reply “he is.” Such responses demonstrate the dominance of one person in the relationship and recessive nature of the other. While one person is typically dominant and the other recessive, it doesn’t necessarily follow that the dominant person is dominant all the time, or that the recessive person is recessive all the time. What I have found in my marriage is that while I tend to be dominant most of the time, there are many instances when my wife has been dominant. And when it comes to leadership and marriage, it may seem a bit strange to consider the idea that marriage needs leadership, but it does. Therefore, the question remains, who’s in charge?

Often time marriage is regarded as a partnership not unlike a business relationship. Each partner is supposed to be equal, which is the desired end-state. However, marriage usually consists of a dominant personality and a recessive personality. In some cases personalities are very evenly matched, although one personality tends to be the more dominant. When children come along, the argument for leadership becomes more legitimate because childrearing requires leadership. Therefore, the parents should fill that role. Prior to their arrival, though, leadership is not often considered because the nature of leadership is such in our modern society that an individual bears that seemingly single responsibility. As noted in Genesis, marriage is the joining of two who become one flesh. A sense of equality is inherent in the very concept of marriage and is the desired end-state of marriage. However, biblical pundits  - particularly male pundits – are quick to quote Ephesians 5:22-23. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the savior.” Not to be outdone, women respond in kind from the same book and chapter, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:25-27). In essence, marriage is a partnership comprised of shared responsibilities. If husband and wife are partners in marriage and each holds an equal stake, what is the nature of leadership in marriage?

In order to answer that question, we must first define leadership. Some years ago while in grad school, I defined leadership the following way: Leadership is the ability to positively impact the lives of others through direct involvement and genuine concern in order to achieve personal and professional success. There are several components to that definition. First is the ability to positively impact. Leadership is first and foremost a positive endeavor. Some might argue there have been leaders throughout history who, though quite successful, did not positively impact the lives of others. The annals of history are replete with the likes of Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin. While they may have possessed some leadership qualities, I do not believe they met the true definition of the term. Leadership betters someone else’s life. Given that element of leadership, the husband and wife can both fulfill the role of leader. 

Maintaining a status of equality, they can be considered co-leaders, if you like, because we all need leaders in our lives – people who will make a positive impact and whose very presence makes our lives better. Being a male in today’s society is not without its shortcomings. While it could be argued men have many advantages, and it’s certainly true they do, there are also several disadvantages. If society tells men they are supposed to be strong, then that’s what men will do. They will suppress their feelings and emotions, thus not adequately dealing with the issues in their day-to-day lives. Many might become quiet and reserved. This is where the leadership of the wife comes into play, when she can step up and be strong for her husband, and allow him to express those moments of weakness. After all, we are all weak at some point in our lives and need someone to be strong for us. We need to acknowledge that to our ourselves and our spouse, so he or she can support us and bolster us. That’s how we grow. The same is true of women. Society subjects women to a strict standard, raising the bar pretty high, in fact. It’s difficult for a woman to fit the mold – how she looks, dresses, talks, acts, what role she should play at home and in the workplace. Often women are stereotyped. They face many of the same struggles as men. While it might be easier and more acceptable for women to display weakness, women need to rely on their husbands for strength and support. That’s how men fill the role of leader in marriage. In that regard, leadership is a shared responsibility because the man must lead the woman, and the woman must lead the man. Yes, they are in fact partners. However, referring back to the definition, leadership is the ability to positively impact the lives of others. When husbands and wives positively impact each other’s lives, they are each leading. 

The second part of the definition is genuine concern. It might seem obvious and a given that there should in fact be genuine concern in marriage, but that is not always the case. One of the popular buzzwords in the field of leadership is authentic leadership, meaning a leader must be true to him or herself. That is, genuine, i.e. the real deal. In fact, an entire field of study has been dedicated to the concept. I find the idea to be a bit sophomoric and trite, although in spirit I agree that leadership should be genuine. True leadership cannot be faked. It must come from the heart. In marriage, genuine concern should be present and not require any effort. Based on love, husband and wife should be genuinely concerned about each other – for all things and all interests. It is through this genuine concern that couples are able to grow together. By sharing what’s in their hearts, what’s on their minds, hopes, dreams, fears, and expectations, a man and woman, husband and wife, display and demonstrate genuine concern for each other. An integral component, there can be no leadership without it. But when a marriage contains genuine concern, husbands and wives take on the role of leader. 

The third part of the definition involves success. Now success is an illusive term. How one defines success is determined by how one measures success. In our modern society, success is often measured in dollars, status, and affluence. A big house, expensive cars, and designer brands are all criteria used to measure success. In a marriage, though, success is not necessarily determined by bank accounts, savings, investments, vacations, and possessions. In a marriage, success can be defined by trust and having a confidant; by being able to reveal those things guarded in one’s heart; to truly have a personal relationship with someone where fears are revealed and the things held most sacred are shared and discussed openly. That’s the true bond of intimacy. If you measure success by how well you are able to do that and how responsive and supportive the other person is, then your leadership toward each other will grow. There are many husband and wife teams that we all have seen that seem to stumble into marriage success. They epitomize the ideal of marriage precisely – a large house, successful careers, vacations in the Caribbean – the perfect marriage, or so it seems. One day word spreads the perfect couple has separated with divorce pending. Why? Because there was no leadership – no positive influence, no genuine concern, no desire for achieving success together. In marriage success in not an individual endeavor. Success is a joint venture even though there may be many individual successes along the way. Achieving success is a team effort that requires support. It demands a desire to serve the needs of the other person, which is what some refer to as servant leadership. A husband and wife who are leading one another should be doing so by serving one another. 

So, the answer to the question in the title of this article is, no one. Leadership is not about being in charge. It is about taking charge when necessary and giving the other person a break. When I was in the Navy, I stood many watches. It was part of my job. When I assumed the watch, I had authority and responsibility for many things as they pertained to the safety of the ship and crew. Watches lasted for a prescribed amount of time. At the end of the watch, I would ‘pass down’ any pertinent information to the on-coming watch and answer any questions he or she had. Once satisfied, the on-coming watch would assume the duties and responsibilities, face me, salute and say, “I relieve you.” I would respond, “I stand relieved.” As I thought about that and leadership, particularly as it relates to marriage, I realized that although I was fully in charge of the ship, and was the commanding officer’s designated representative, my time in charge was brief. The same is true in marriage. One person should lead the other when necessary, but it should not be a matter of taking charge. No, it should involve relieving the other so that person can have a rest. While it might seem like splitting hairs, taking charge means running to the front and seizing the reigns. But providing relief means running to the front and extending your hand so the other person can willingly give you the reigns, temporarily relinquishing responsibility for a brief duration and get a respite. That is how leadership should work in marriage. Most of the time there should be equality. Sometimes, though, when life gets tough, one might need to step up and lead, extend a hand, take the reigns and state, “I relieve you.” The spouse should be accepting of this leadership and properly respond, “I stand relieved” and take a rest.